Wetsuit Industry Crisis: “What the fu** are we talking about?”
11/20/2006
REDONDO BEACH, CA – Leading wetsuit manufacturers, replete with “industry firsts” and earth shattering discoveries, have admitted in a rare disclosure last Saturday that they have all spiraled into crisis as a result of their complex language used in their advertising campaigns, apparently confusing even themselves.
The ads in question, which are often displayed in expensive full and two page spreads in leading surfing and water sports magazines, aim to showcase new and exciting wetsuits.
With phrases like “bombasticized critically inwelded fluid seams” and “radioclastic foggerized warmth and wetimous flexibility,” it’s no wonder why there is an impending crisis of confusion.
“Sometimes on my way home from work, I just want to bang my head on the steering wheel and cry out, ‘what the fu** are we talking about’, ” said Tom Spleener, lead marketing director for Body Spleen Wetsuits.
“We created all this mumbo jumbo in our ad campaigns to make little groms think we’re super smart; like, rocket science, gonna-get-some-ass smart. Then one day—Pop!— I had an epiphany. I just realized, like, we’re confusing ourselves too,” comments Spleen.
Also adding to the tension last week, was a reported brick throwing incident at the Body Spleen facilities.
Reports indicate an unidentified individual threw a brick through the front window, which also had an attached message, warning: “stop abusing the English language, or else!”
Authorities believe the main suspect in the window bashing is Merriam-Webster, the leading publishing authority of unabridged, overly-heavy dictionaries. An impending investigation is currently under way.
