ESA Cancels 07’ Season—Continental Shelf Blamed
11/19/2006
OCEAN CITY, MD – In a disappointing move for the entire East Coast on Saturday, the Eastern Surfing Association announced the cancellation of its entire 2007 contest season on account of the Continental Shelf tapping into its affairs.
“Quite frankly we’re sick of this shit. Either the Shelf leaves, or we do,” exclaimed contest directors.
The Continental Shelf, which makes for relatively shallow water for many miles off the eastern US mainland, impedes the progress of incoming open water swells, which reduces their size and power, and leaves small, gentle rollers to finally reach the beach.
This has resulted in the resechuling, and even cancellation, of various contests since the inception of the ESA in 1967.
“We knew this was gonna be a problem from the start. But we thought we could deal,” claimed one seasoned vet.
In the past decade there have been several failed attempts to destroy the shelf by east coast surfers. One attempt consisted of exploding tug boats filled with canisters of gasoline off the coast, in hopes that the shock waves would shatter the shelf.
As one ESA member puts it: “I have nightmares of that damn shelf. Sometimes, late at night, in times of weakness, I stand on the beach and stare out towards the ocean and curse the shelf, that fucking shelf. Then it usually ends with me punching the sand and burning my membership card.”
Psychological counselling is being offered, free or charge, for all ESA members and their families in light of these recent events.
