BodyBoarders Riot in Downtown Los Angeles
3/16/2007
LOS ANGELES, CA – Once again disorder has wrung its bloody hands over the streets of Los Angles, as swarms of bodyboarders resorted to uncontrolled violence, fueled in part by the increased discrimination and decreasing popularity of their beloved sport.
The rioters targeted unsuspecting bystanders without mercy, and were armed with Molotov cocktails that were crudely made from old bodyboard foam soaked with gasoline. Others resorted to throwing hard balls of used wax.
One youth was reportedly tarred and flippered with sunblock and forced to don undersized flippers after supposedly calling one of the rioters a ”stupid speed bump.”
A life-sized replica of Kelly Slater was burned in front a 7-11 as bleary eyed onlookers chanted, “Stewart is great! Death to the infidels!”
It still remains unclear as to who originally orchestrated the melee, but several witnesses report that Mike Stewart was seen in various locations around the city brandishing a rusty tire iron and shouting obscenities, and is believed to be a key player in the ongoing chain of events.
One rioter, when asked to comment on the situation boldly summarized:
“fu** tow surfing. Huge heaving slabs?—that was OUR arena! Ours! They took the only thing that was sexy to our sport and friggin’ ruined it. Stupid stand-ups. Viva la Revolution! Down with the dirty stand-ups!”
Local authorities are asking residents to use extreme caution when walking the streets, and it is suggested that surfers present no indication of their wave riding status by refraining from wearing shirts, hats or any other articles of clothing that may reveal surf related companies.
It is also suggested to refrain from using words like “sick”, “mental” and “stoked” in conversation.
Those is possession of any surfboards are also asked to take the necessary steps in hiding those articles until further notice.
